I looked at my own cervix.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
