yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
