Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
It's blow job season.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
