Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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