literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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