so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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