he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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