Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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