I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
