she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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