where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You ruined the universe
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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