the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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