I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i love accidental penises.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
