Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
