Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
you never un-have a 4some
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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