i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I still have a little drunk in my system
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Randomize