My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
