i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
