listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Randomize
