I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
