I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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