Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
