I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
We got so high we made milksteak
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
