why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize