I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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