So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
