Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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