If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
