I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
