I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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