sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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