God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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