I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
