Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I think a kid would responsible me up
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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