I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
