Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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