I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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