I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
