It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
