I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
