I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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