Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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