so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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