Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
