somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
