I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
