now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
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