why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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