I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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