Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
