It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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