she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
