wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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