She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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