She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
