Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
