she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
