i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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