I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
