you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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